Disapointed...

I guess my disappointing moments is the last thing I want to post in my teacher’s journal. But since it has to do with the kids, I have to be faithful and do so.

 I have to admit that I have been the worst possible mom and teacher to my kids at school this week. First, I scolded the grade 3s for misbehaving and as if that was not enough; I went on to comparing them to other kids, which was really not the right thing to do. I went overboard this time. Most of the kids went out looking really sad. I noticed the hurt I have done, but because of my anger I was too proud to go bad and ask for their forgiveness. I covered my face in shame to that, but that did not help anyone at all. Growing up I have always hated being compared to other people, I hated it when someone always had something nice to say about the good kid around the block and never me. I hated it when they demanded: 

“Why can’t you be more like your brother or your sister, (even worst) your best friend?”

The truth is comparison brings division and self hatred. It makes children feel less valuable or unloved. But it didn’t help me at all even though I knew all of these facts; I threw them right out of the window the moment I allowed anger and disappointment to settle in. 

The look on their faces was a clear sign that I was allowing my anger to get the best of me. It was a clear sign that I should step back and stop talking. Too bad I couldn’t blame it on the day: "it was just a bad day."  I couldn’t blame it on anyone at all. The truth is: I expected too much from them. The truth is I was fully disappointed in them. This was my previous grade 2s. The well behaved class. Well mannered. Calm and gentle towards each other. My babies. But now I look at them and I wonder to myself: “what on earth happened to you? Where did those little grade 2s I heartily adored went off too?”

Does it have to do with changing grades? Or is it just part of growing up?

Whatever it is, I guess the hardest part is trying to accept this new change. The challenging questions are: 

Am I willing to love any kid whole heartily and faithfully even if they go through some sorts of crazy phase and it brings hurt and disappointment?

or will I be flashing a disappointment expression at them every time they mess up really bad? 
will I learn to ease the reins in order to make more room for their every mistake?

When they go…Oops!...and they turn around to see me standing there, will they still see the love in my eyes and get that understanding and merciful smile, that says: “ Well, It’s ok. We all miss up pretty bad. And that doesn’t change the way I feel about you. Though you are flawed, I still love you. Because you just remind me of how much I too needs the father's mercy and forgiveness every day”